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Tuesday
May172016

Doom

Doom | PS4
Released: May 13th 2016
Developer/Publisher: Bethesda
Grade: 5 out of 5 meatballs
Reviewed by: Pawl Schwartz

Doom
is a game that deserves the self-titled reboot, which, when dealing with a game as historic and genre-changing as the Doom franchise, is saying a whole hell of a lot. It’s a name older and bigger than Half-Life, that actually delivers sequels at a slow but steady pace, putting so much work and industrial-love into each edition that we never have to worry about a Duke Nukem Forever type situation happening, despite id Software’s long and messy history.

Everything about Doom is just so viscerally loud, violent, and smooth, all delivered with that un-nameable Doom-ness about it, updated quite perfectly from the graphical hell that the original game looks like nowadays.

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Friday
May082015

Mortal Kombat X

Mortal Kombat X | PS4/PS3 & Xbox 360 (soon)/Xbox One
Released: April 14th, 2015
Developer/Publisher: NetherRealm/Warner Brothers
Grade: 5 out of 5 meatballs
Reviewed by: Pawl Schwartz

It's hard to believe that many years ago this franchise actually survived a bloodless release on Super Nintendo. Simply view the screenshots for the slap happy level of carnage that Mortal Kombat X serves up. Medical students wouldn't be wrong to call a night with this game “studying musculature,” with all of the beautifully rendered X-ray moves.

If you have ever been addicted to a video game (and as a gamer reading this article, I assume that has happened to you, the same way any reader has experienced that crack-like "page turning effect" when reading a good book), you will be severely addicted to this game. It is as simple as that.

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Monday
Oct132014

Destiny

Destiny | PS4/PS3 Xbox 360/Xbox One
Released: Sept 9th, 2014
Developer/Publisher: Bungie/Activision & Sony
Grade: 2.75 out of 5 meatballs
Reviewed by: Pawl Schwartz

Frankly, I’m pissed. After ten minutes of research online, I have determined that I have, in fact, beaten the highly anticipated video game known as Destiny. I downloaded it five days ago, and it’s already over. Epic? More like a gorgeous two-pump-chump as it stands now.

It was all roses and puppy dogs back at level ten. I had my four or five planets open as locations to travel to in order to do missions, and I never saw anyone over level 25 (this was early into the release). “Oh,” I think to myself, “another area must open up after level 25” because, if I was already at level 10 after a good solid sitting of play, 25 couldn’t be the end.

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Monday
Jan272014

Shadow Warrior

Shadow Warrior | Steam
Released: September 26th, 2013 (reviewed January 2014)
Developer/Publisher: Flying Wild Hog/Devolver Digital
Grade: 5 out of 5 meatballs
Reviewed by: Pawl Schwartz

I almost shat my pants when I saw that Shadow Warrior had been remade. I have fond memories of playing the near-Doom era FPS classic in which you are ninja extraordinaire Lo Wang. It had the sense of humor of Duke Nukem 3D plus secret rooms full of pixelated porn. I still remember where most all of them are (first level: go inside past the bunnies, open the round door and find a naked anime girl on the toilet — she shoots at you if you stare too long). But the days of using the arrow keys to move and look around are long gone for FPS games. Duke Nukem’s long-awaited foray into the next gen turned out to be an over-processed turd. Why would I expect Lo Wang to update well? Precisely because there is no large public expectation for the game, there is just a lot of room to grow.

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