By Justin Valmassoi
Unlike a lot of my fellow staff writers at UR Chicago, I am a man. I do man things all the time. Two weeks ago I climbed a mountain. You know what the guy from the fashion section did? He went to a fashion show. I lift huge weights. Katherine writes computer code. I killed a man with a putty knife and a hank of jute once. Just a dull putty knife and a short little hank of jute. What have you ever done?
So my editor calls me up on my extremely large cell phone I never put on vibrate and I’m like, “WHAT DO YOU WANT? SPEAK,” and everybody on the train gives me this look so I flex at them and they look at their feet instead. My editor says something but I don’t really listen when women are talking. Then she says Craftsman and I’m like, “THE TOOL PEOPLE? THE CRAFTSMAN TOOL PEOPLE?” and she’s like, “Yes. You have a beautiful body,” and I go, “DUH.”
Turns out she wants me to go to The Craftsman Experience, which is this new thing they’re opening up on Huron just south of the Chicago brown line stop. I tell her it’s going to have to wait until after my powerlifting session at the gym, plus I’m supposed to sleep with this trade show model I met at Excalibur. She sweetens the pot by telling me Adam Carolla’s going to be there doing stand-up and I’m like, “NOBODY IS FUNNIER THAN ADAM CAROLLA,” so I go.
Turns out The Craftsman Experience is right up my alley. Babes everywhere. Gleaming power tools. A NASCAR car. I’m like, “GIVE ME A BEER,” and someone does. I go, “GIVE ME AN ELECTRIC HAMMER THAT ALLOWS ME TO DRIVE A NAIL IN A SPACE LACKING THE NECESSARY ROOM TO SWING A CONVENTIONAL HAMMER,” and they do. I take my shirt off and someone faints. I’m like, “WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THIS PLACE?” and a total dimepiece informs me that it’s not primarily a retail outlet but rather an interactive Craftsman wonderland where guests can come in, test the innovative products that have kept the company viable for decades and get lectures and demonstrations from industry professionals in the various departments in which Craftsman excels (lawn/garden, automotive, woodworking, etc.). The space is real cool looking and I’m like, “THIS IS DOPE.”
I have 23 beers and get a buzz. I get 12 phone numbers and some hand stuff. I see Adam Carolla and I’m like, “ADAM CAROLLA YOU’RE THE MAN. LET US CONVERSE,” and he’s like, “Cool.”
Justin Valmassoi for UR Chicago: So how did you end up here [at The Craftsman Experience]?
Adam Carolla: Well, I used to do construction, professionally, for about … 12 years or so.
UR: So this is not just an excuse to snag free Craftsman tools? You actually have an interest in this stuff.
AC: Well, a little of both, to be honest. It would be nice to snag a few free tools.
UR: Always. Anyhow, the last time I saw you was … The Man Show, I guess, back in the day. [Your co-host] Jimmy Kimmel has gone on to have a very successful unfunny talk show and date Sarah Silverman. Do you have any plans to ruin your own life?
AC: I have a book coming out on November 2nd, and I’m doing a podcast, which I guess is my new ‘passion.'
UR: I still don’t know how those work.
AC: Yeah, I don’t either but it’s pretty easy. If you just go to iTunes and hit PODCASTS it’ll…
UR: Just do it for you?
AC: Yeah. You go to iTunes, to PODCASTS, and you’ll just see Adam Carolla up near the top of the list.
UR: Is that because you’re very popular or because it’s alphabetical?
AC: Oh, wow. You just burst my bubble, dude.
UR: Sorry. So what’s the book about?
AC: Man, I should figure that out. It’s really just me complaining about society and what we’ve turned into, essentially. You know, anecdotal stories and a little bit of history and mainly just bitching about what’s become of us and where we’re heading.
UR: Plenty of material to be mined in that particular category.
AC: Well, for example, I have little twins and their school is a “nut free zone” now, and not just peanuts. No cashews, no anything.
UR: Under what pretense?
AC: I have no fucking clue. Literally, our kids will not be able to bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to school. They’ll be arrested. And that’s the society we’ve forged.
UR: “We’re going to need smaller handcuffs.”
AC: Yeah, little zip ties. I was sitting around in my hotel room the other week and I thought to myself, you know what? I’m going to Google this. How many elementary schools are named George Washington Carver? I realized there are literally hundreds of schools named after George Washington Carver, father of the peanut, essentially, and I said how many of those schools have outlawed the peanut? This is insane. It’s insane that your kid can be attending George Washington Carver school and get arrested for bringing a peanut butter and jelly.
UR: You’re right, it’s ridiculous. So, in your professional opinion, if I wanted to pick up a chick at The Craftsman Experience (Not tonight, obviously. Tonight is all about you, but in general.) what would be the best way to go about that?
AC: I would focus on the help, you know what I mean? Because if you see some chick who’s seriously looking at a roto-hammer, she might not be interested in your type. But the chicks holding the trays with the cheese logs on them? Those are the ones I would focus on if I were you.
UR: Perfect. Thank you very much.
Then it was 7pm and I was like, “GOTTA RUN BABES (AND ADAM CAROLLA). MY MAIN SQUEEZES MONEYPENNY ARE DOING THIS THING LATER AND I NEED TO CHANGE INTO MY 7 FOR ALL MANKIND JEANS AND THEORY TANK TOP,” and everyone was like, “Let me touch your hair,” except for Adam Carolla who was all, “Peace out.”
Then I left.
If you need sweet tools, an in-house radio broadcast, live demonstrations of DIY endeavors or some stone cold foxy sales assistants, The Craftsman Experience is located at 233 W. Hubbard. If you need to chuckle or possibly guffaw In 50 Years We’ll All Be Chicks, Adam Carolla’s new book will be available November 2nd nationwide. If you just need a real ripped-up dude to help move furniture for beer, call me on my huge loud phone.